holding my breath for so long
not breathing at all
realizing I’m clenching tight
my hands and my toes
tongue’s glued to the top of my mouth
lips feel wired shut
head down to avoid looking
to ignore the stares
from those who
just don’t get it
my thoughts run wild
from school to work to dinner
such trivial things
what’s gonna happen?
what will tomorrow be like?
frantic thinking now
start to think of the future
of the panic setting in
where will I be then?
my goals? a relationship?
will I have children?
will I ever get married?
I think about everything
now, and all at once
panicking, I just
back to the present
Her perfume floats through the warm summer air. Floral – her favorite. She walked on by, without so much as a stare. My heart is racing a mile a minute, all the while my legs want to give out. How does she still have this affect on me? Time stands still – memories from long ago suddenly flash through my head. How long has it been? 5 years? I picture the last moment we spent together, a beautiful night at the pier, holding each other close, while we rode round the Ferris wheel. She seemed so happy that night. So vibrant and full of life. We fell in love so quick, with no cares in the world. I’ve never been more proud to call anyone my girl. As quick as it all came to be, she went away for school. I remember her saying “I’ll be back, you’ll see!” We kept in touch in the beginning. I was eager to do whatever it took – but she wasn’t willing. I never expected to see her again, but now, here she was. I wonder if she saw me..Should I call her name? Would the love we shared back then ever be the same? I had the urge to follow her; let the floral perfume lead the way. As I was pondering the decision to see where she went, a sweet little girl tugs my jeans and says, “Hey mister, have you seen where my mommy went?” Time begins to unfreeze and I look down. My eyes grow wide and I start to frown. She looks just like me…The girl begins to cry – I’m too shocked to even notice. Behind her, I hear a voice I know all too well: “Jazmine, where are you Jazmine?” My mouth damn near dropped to my knees. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The gentle voice moves closer and closer; the floral scent growing stronger. “Mommy, mommy, I’m happy I found you!” Brandi swiftly picks up the girl. Her daughter? She seems just as shocked as I am. “Wow…I never thought I’d see you again” She sees my eyes moving from the little girl to her. The only words I could muster up were “Is this real?” She replies cautiously, “Remember the time on the old Ferris wheel?”
I sometimes need to convince myself
that I can change the hand I’ve been dealt
I know situations can change
and that there is sunshine after the rain
yet I can’t help but to feel so stuck
with my head barely above the muck
I remind myself to think about the bigger picture
great things are coming soon, though I wish it’d happen quicker
I tell myself that these sleepless nights are worth it in the long run
Even though I’d love to take some nights off to have fun
Though the road to turning dreams into reality is long; with lots of bumps, turns and twists
I tell myself that, through it all, I have to push through and persist
She’s been looking for acceptance in all the wrong places
Looking for familiarity in all these random faces
She’s been searching for love in anyone she meets
Nothing is found in these ever changing sheets
She longs for something she’s not sure exists
Love? Happiness? She’s not quite sure what it is
She questions her choices and her motives
She hates that despite it all, she always feels so broken
Why do we hold onto things that make us sad?
Talk to those who make us mad?
Why do we look for happiness in others?
When we know it’ll only cause us to suffer?
Why do we put someone else’s needs ahead of our own?
Is it because we believe it’ll help out self love grow?
Why do we stay with people who don’t care?
Is it because we just want someone, anyone, to be there?
I care so much for others
To the point where I become a bother
I feel everyone’s pain; I’m too empathetic
Yet I’m numb to my own; it’s deeply embedded
I can love anyone despite what they’ve overcome
To love myself, though, has been the hardest thing I’ve done
He put a match to her heart
And watched it slowly set aflame
He toyed with her emotions as if it were one big game
He led her on, made her believe in happily ever after
Little did she know, it would all end in disaster
She showered him with compassion and kindness
Even loved the worst parts she could find in him
It was never enough
He walked away and left her heart to disintegrate
She’s still waiting for her love for him to dissipate