“Please put that damned pen down”
“Go talk to someone”
not realizing writing helps
I don’t want to talk
don’t want to sit in a chair
just to talk about
just to see someone judge me
for not moving on
to feel awkward when I cry
I’d rather write down
the way I feel, without shame
without the stigma
of someone from the outside
forcing themselves to dig in
Her perfume floats through the warm summer air. Floral – her favorite. She walked on by, without so much as a stare. My heart is racing a mile a minute, all the while my legs want to give out. How does she still have this affect on me? Time stands still – memories from long ago suddenly flash through my head. How long has it been? 5 years? I picture the last moment we spent together, a beautiful night at the pier, holding each other close, while we rode round the Ferris wheel. She seemed so happy that night. So vibrant and full of life. We fell in love so quick, with no cares in the world. I’ve never been more proud to call anyone my girl. As quick as it all came to be, she went away for school. I remember her saying “I’ll be back, you’ll see!” We kept in touch in the beginning. I was eager to do whatever it took – but she wasn’t willing. I never expected to see her again, but now, here she was. I wonder if she saw me..Should I call her name? Would the love we shared back then ever be the same? I had the urge to follow her; let the floral perfume lead the way. As I was pondering the decision to see where she went, a sweet little girl tugs my jeans and says, “Hey mister, have you seen where my mommy went?” Time begins to unfreeze and I look down. My eyes grow wide and I start to frown. She looks just like me…The girl begins to cry – I’m too shocked to even notice. Behind her, I hear a voice I know all too well: “Jazmine, where are you Jazmine?” My mouth damn near dropped to my knees. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The gentle voice moves closer and closer; the floral scent growing stronger. “Mommy, mommy, I’m happy I found you!” Brandi swiftly picks up the girl. Her daughter? She seems just as shocked as I am. “Wow…I never thought I’d see you again” She sees my eyes moving from the little girl to her. The only words I could muster up were “Is this real?” She replies cautiously, “Remember the time on the old Ferris wheel?”
if I could go back in time
I’d choose not to leave
the quiet town that was home
the place I miss most
if I could go back in time
I would not meet you
I can’t imagine that life
one that is peaceful
a life without the heartbreak
without questioning my worth
the life I wish I had now
Arms up ready to shout
Falling to the ground
A rush of pain
Slow and hot like a flame
Shirt torn, jeans stained
Am I the one to blame?
Pushing off the ground
Trying to reflect but nothing is found
Feeling remorseful and not so proud
What am I doing wrong?
Still the same old song
Why can’t I break free from the hurt?
I yell as my feet stomp the earth
Running and running away
It’s all I know; its even harder to stay
She’s been looking for acceptance in all the wrong places
Looking for familiarity in all these random faces
She’s been searching for love in anyone she meets
Nothing is found in these ever changing sheets
She longs for something she’s not sure exists
Love? Happiness? She’s not quite sure what it is
She questions her choices and her motives
She hates that despite it all, she always feels so broken
Why do we hold onto things that make us sad?
Talk to those who make us mad?
Why do we look for happiness in others?
When we know it’ll only cause us to suffer?
Why do we put someone else’s needs ahead of our own?
Is it because we believe it’ll help out self love grow?
Why do we stay with people who don’t care?
Is it because we just want someone, anyone, to be there?
I care so much for others
To the point where I become a bother
I feel everyone’s pain; I’m too empathetic
Yet I’m numb to my own; it’s deeply embedded
I can love anyone despite what they’ve overcome
To love myself, though, has been the hardest thing I’ve done