holding my breath for so long
not breathing at all
realizing I’m clenching tight
my hands and my toes
tongue’s glued to the top of my mouth
lips feel wired shut
head down to avoid looking
to ignore the stares
from those who
just don’t get it
my thoughts run wild
from school to work to dinner
such trivial things
what’s gonna happen?
what will tomorrow be like?
frantic thinking now
start to think of the future
of the panic setting in
where will I be then?
my goals? a relationship?
will I have children?
will I ever get married?
I think about everything
now, and all at once
panicking, I just
back to the present
“Please put that damned pen down”
“Go talk to someone”
not realizing writing helps
I don’t want to talk
don’t want to sit in a chair
just to talk about
just to see someone judge me
for not moving on
to feel awkward when I cry
I’d rather write down
the way I feel, without shame
without the stigma
of someone from the outside
forcing themselves to dig in
if I could go back in time
I’d choose not to leave
the quiet town that was home
the place I miss most
if I could go back in time
I would not meet you
I can’t imagine that life
one that is peaceful
a life without the heartbreak
without questioning my worth
the life I wish I had now
I sometimes need to convince myself
that I can change the hand I’ve been dealt
I know situations can change
and that there is sunshine after the rain
yet I can’t help but to feel so stuck
with my head barely above the muck
I remind myself to think about the bigger picture
great things are coming soon, though I wish it’d happen quicker
I tell myself that these sleepless nights are worth it in the long run
Even though I’d love to take some nights off to have fun
Though the road to turning dreams into reality is long; with lots of bumps, turns and twists
I tell myself that, through it all, I have to push through and persist
Arms up ready to shout
Falling to the ground
A rush of pain
Slow and hot like a flame
Shirt torn, jeans stained
Am I the one to blame?
Pushing off the ground
Trying to reflect but nothing is found
Feeling remorseful and not so proud
What am I doing wrong?
Still the same old song
Why can’t I break free from the hurt?
I yell as my feet stomp the earth
Running and running away
It’s all I know; its even harder to stay
She’s been looking for acceptance in all the wrong places
Looking for familiarity in all these random faces
She’s been searching for love in anyone she meets
Nothing is found in these ever changing sheets
She longs for something she’s not sure exists
Love? Happiness? She’s not quite sure what it is
She questions her choices and her motives
She hates that despite it all, she always feels so broken
Why do we hold onto things that make us sad?
Talk to those who make us mad?
Why do we look for happiness in others?
When we know it’ll only cause us to suffer?
Why do we put someone else’s needs ahead of our own?
Is it because we believe it’ll help out self love grow?
Why do we stay with people who don’t care?
Is it because we just want someone, anyone, to be there?